Becoming a daughter-in-law for most women means their lives will change – new husband, new home, in-laws, and possibly a partial new identity through a change of surname. The stories of the late Princess Diana and Sarah Ferguson (daughters-in-law in the British royal family) highlight the difficulty some women experience as they try to fit into their husbands’ family
A daughter-in-law in a farm family can also find herself automatically becoming a business partner. Despite great attempts to make her feel welcome, she may still feel like an outsider. The old saying that “there is nothing thicker than blood,” can ring true for a young woman joining a farm family.
Why is being a daughter-in-law challenging for so many women marrying into a farm family? First of all, no two families are alike. Each family has a culture that is somewhat unique. Cultural differences between families can be significant. For example, which parent was the key decision-maker in your family – mother or father? How does this compare to your new husband’s family? What about males doing household tasks in each respective family? How many siblings do you each have? Where in the family hierarchy were you born? While these may seem to be subtle differences, they shape the patterns of an individual’s perception of how family members relate to each other.
When a woman gets married and becomes a member of a new family, she is marrying more than just her new husband. In most cases she is going to be sharing this person with the rest of his farm family.
A daughter-in-law needs to be aware of how she is perceived by her new family. Very few families want to have radical changes forced upon them. If you are seen as an instrument of change, trouble could be brewing around the corner for both you and your husband. Immersing yourself in your husband’s family culture helps to bridge many gaps, yet at the same time caution must be taken not to lose your own personal identity.
For example, in your family birthday celebrations may have been a big event – cake, candles, gifts, flowers, cards, and possibly even an evening out with dinner. But in your husband’s family birthdays were possibly just another day – maybe an occasion for a cake but no gifts, cards or flowers. Gifts and flowers may seem like minor cultural differences on the surface, but to a newly married daughter-in-law, this may feel like a mountain that is beginning to form between you and your new family. Your husband may have tried to impress you with special treatment on your birthday when you were dating, but somehow the magic of celebrating your big day is now getting lost in the day-to-day routines. Over time, hurt, anger and frustration can start to build.
How can a young woman successfully make the transition into the role of daughter-in-law in a farm family business?
Continue to be true to yourself – don’t lose your identity. Try to differentiate between farm business and family issues. Become aware of the differences between your family’s culture and your husband’s, and try to understand and appreciate the different traditions. You and your husband have the opportunity to create new traditions that are unique to you – be creative. Team up with a good mentor. Ideally the best mentor should be your mother-in-law. She probably was also a daughter-in-law. On top of this, she knows your father-in-law and has been a mother to your husband. If anyone should know how to get along with these individuals, it is she. BF
Comments
This is very, very difficult.
I was considered an outsider for a very long time. I was the lazy city girl.
Even though I worked on the farm even when my children were small, it was
never enough. I was criticized and so was my husband.
We were successful but it came with a heavy price. My self esteem suffered. There was never any support. It only started to get better when
I took a part-time job and distanced myself a little from the day to day business. They realized how much I had learned and how hard I worked.
I realized how much I liked working where people said "Thank you" or even
"you are doing a good job".
It would have made life so much more pleasant if my in-laws had seen how hard I was working to learn everything and had been more encouraging.I know I cannot change them and I have made peace with it. Now, I don't care what they think and am better for it.
And it also sucks being made to feel like a gold digger.
oh thank you I feel so alone at the moment like urself the best way I could cope was get ajob on the out side she s decided not hardly talk to me the hardest thing is I moved away from my family and friends to be with him finding it hard to meet new friends she is not a bit bothered by me and to make it worse she is so good to the other daughter in law and her children hopefully I feel better after a while my self
I married my husband 31 years ago....I married into hell. From day 1 both my inlaws hated me. My FIL told everyone I was after his money..and my MIL had such disdain for me she would dismiss me at family gatherings. Infact neither of them would make contact with me..They got on marverlously well with my BILs wife and my SILs husband
My first child was born with an intellectual disability which they all blamed me for..i was so isolated and alone as my family lived about 4 hours drive away. I went into premature labour and my husband had to work on the farm so my MIL took me and dropped me off...I was so lost and alone and I wanted to go to a different hospital where they had proper services..my daughter could have been delivered that day and in all likely hood would have been okay. Instead they halted the labour...5 weeks later i became very ill and again my husband had to work and my MIL took me to the hospital and dropped me off...I have never gotten over this...
I have 4 children..they never came to visit me in hospital but they did go and visit my BILs wife..she came from a farming family..I was a city girl even though my family had farmed before their family migrated out from England.
My husband and I never fought about money..only about his family...the way they tried to alienate us from each other. My inlaws live directly across the road...so their house sits at the end of my drive way..they see who comes and goes..i use to have to share my car with my MIL. As she got older it was I who was expected to care for her as we lived the closest and my BIL and his wife had their own farming business..We had our own land but shared farms and profits...
Now 31years later and my FIL is alone and old..my hate for him has never been stronger. All the horrible things he has said and done to me..from when my husband broke his back to having him ring me demanding money i didnt have because he gave all his money to his daughter and he though my husband was going to die..His calling me and my family nothing but a bunch of parasites...my husband standing by and allowing them to treat me like a piece of crap. My sister in law threatening to sue me because I dare stand up for my rights as a human being...I hate my inlaws..and even though my FIL is an old man..I cant forgive him...Their treatment of me ruined what should have been 30 years of joy and happiness raising my beautiful children...instead I fought with my husband over the wY they treated me and have turned into a very bitter hateful person who now sees a councillor. My husband gladly drops everything to take his dad to hospital...almost on a weekly basis...how lucky my FIL is...to have such a fine son...its just a shame my husband doesnt afford me the same treatment...I know im alone...and out of my husbands siblings we are the only ones who have married only once...I have this terrible urge to visit my FIL and tell him he has finally succeeded ...He can have his son all to himself...I will now gladly take half the farm...I gave my whole life to someone who loved his family so much more thsn he could ever have loved me.
It is an impossible transition into a farming family when you are instantly treated like a gold digger or 'taking their son away from them". They wouldnt want their boy to be happy would they? No he is theirs just like the cattle or sheep. Another asset. I have seen a lot of things in my life, but I realise now that I am happy that I own very little because people who are so attached and possessive of things they cannot take to the grave with them miss out on so much while acting like dogs over a bone. I would much rather have happy relationships with my family than animosity caused by paranoia and xenophobia... Get over it farmers. The land was never yours it is everyone's and Not all women are gold diggers out to steal away what you cannot take to the grave with you. Some of us are actually in love with your sons.
I've been the financial advisor to one party, or the other, in a good number of farm divorces, and I've been through one myself - to say the Family Law Reform Act is unduly burdensome on farmers, is an understatement, but that's the way things are. For example, I'm one of the very-few farmers I know who actually had a farm left after a divorce. It's therefore, for good reason, that many farm clans are scared to death of the possibility of a marriage break-up of anybody involved in the farm, and while they may let this apprehension interfere with things, they have good reason to be apprehensive.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
Perception is a dangerous thing. It is what creates our world view and attitudes, beliefs etc.
I have to ask, do you think there might be less divorces if farming in-laws were treated better? if you poke a dog long enough with a stick, is it really it's fault it bites? same with human beings. You will get back what you give out.
I'm not dealing with perception when I review my own divorce, now over eight years ago, or the divorces of my clients - farms are in a uniquely difficult situation which is that of unrealistic expectations on the part of parents, and the overly-optimistic expectations of the children. It's not good, and as the values of farmland increase, and as the expectations of family obligations increase accordingly, nobody wins except divorce lawyers.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
Hi Stephen.
I am a 28 year old Farmers Wife. I have lived on the Farm for 7 years.
My relationship with my husband is great. The major stresses are from my Father in Law and his wife. I was touted as the "Gold Digger" when we were dating. My father in law made it very obvious that he thought I was the wrong person for the job. which made me feel very warm and fuzzy inside :(
To get away from the dysfunction and unhappiness inside myself, I committed to a job I love (off of the farm). I work 2 days in the farm office, one day off and 4 days at my other job. My father in law expects me to give up my day off to work more in the office. He also pays his son a salary that is small. He has recently asked his son to take a 50% pay cut to fund a project that my husband does not agree with. My father in law said that the "no" answer to the pay cut and my lack of giving up my day off says that we don't care about the future of the farm and that we are not sacrificing or proving that we want to be there. His son works 60-80 hours per week and would continue the same hours with the pay cut. He asked for our decision and we said that we were not in favor of either and he blew up on us. I am not the kind of wife that will let him talk to my husband or I like that, so it turns into a big yelling match.
This is not what I signed up for. I will follow my husband anywhere, but honestly feel that the wrath of his father is the wrong way to treat family. Family is always first with my husband and I. The stress is beginning to rip holes in almost every aspect of our lives. For a few months, everything seems fine (as long as my father in law is happy) then another explosion. Like clockwork.
Even though this wasn't my "movie", it's still one I've seen too many times before.
I've known too many couples, some were clients, and some were not, in exactly your situation who just up and left the farm, and I've never found one who regretted his/her decision to do so.
Not only are you in a poisoned workplace because of the bullying, the poison extends into your personal life in the form of verbal and emotional abuse which is only going to get worse. It's soon going to consume everything, and leave you with nothing.
The worst thing you could do is stay another dozen years and then find yourself at the wrong place in your life to really make a career of things elsewhere.
Leave now while you're still in your 20s - that way your children won't grow up in a poisoned environment.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
I hope you can give me advice on a fellow who is competing with you in the advice section , please. If every body ran from their problems there would be more people running around with a yellow stripe down their back , and the people would get nowhere or nothing done. People marry for better or worse and if there,s a problem fix it and she should have support of her husband and if she doesn,t then tell him to get a backbone and take action , or else. Can,t blame the in-laws if they want to protect what they worked for and if they don,t want to let someone in on it the couple should just say fine and move on and let them have it and the work for themselves, why give up a marriage for a chance of a life time with the one you chose to spend it with. Marriage is a two way street and people have to give as well as take that what make it stronger and in no way one should stand by and let the other one get verbal or physical abuse from anyone and if so had the guts to stand up for them , if in the end they don,t or let it happens don,t even pack and run out as fast as you can.
Your advice, while well-meaning, is the sort of advice which, in most cases, simply adds fuel to the fire, and is, therefore, bad advice. Some battles, and some wars, are best avoided. What is to be completely-avoided is the use of the sort of "or else" ultimatums you suggest, because they always end badly.
I've spent the better part of the last 40 years helping people pick up the pieces when these sort of things go wrong, and the common denominator in all cases is the comment - "I did what I could, for as long as I could." In addition, as I have previously noted, I've never met anyone who regretted getting out of a poisoned work and/or family situation.
Some people, and some families, are just poison - and the best thing to do is avoid them rather than ever try to work with them. Too many farm management professionals do their clients an extreme disservice by pretending workable solutions exist.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
Some people just need a wakeup call and some just need a good bye , every case is different and the problem today is they want a quick fix. I,ve known people who said they had a terrible life with their spouse and when they died they put in the paper how great of a husband or wife they were. Its tough out there and there is no perfect life everyone will find fault , but the worst thing is some people don,t even seem to notice that they themselves could be the problem. They always said pasture is always greener on the other side until you get there and find out its the same.
While I can concur with some of what Steve is saying I am not in total agreement . There are two sides to every story and it takes two to tango . I will state take this for what you are paying for it and make your decision based on what is best for you .
Blood is thicker than water . Trying to work with family and on/in a family farm situation is many times the most difficult thing an in-law can do . Many times a son will do things that make sense only to him when it comes to a family farm environment . I am not sure if it is a mental block , brain washing over the years , or the fact that they want to farm so bad they would do any thing and hurt those closest to them the most with out realizing it . Some parents are controlling and will exercise control till the day they die just because they can or feel they are entitled to . They will control every aspect of who ever is with in earshot , directly or indirectly involved . Some parents have a real hard time letting go of power .
Nothing it seems is harder on a realationship than money problems . As stupid as it sounds too much can also be as bad as not enough . I do know many couples who are poor but are as happy as a pig in shit with their life , their children and their partner . Many who are wealthy are never happy .
One thing that I had been told but never learned in time was to NEVER get involved finacially with family . If you can't get a mortgage on your own then you just have to live with that fact . Money makes people stupid from the side of having it and controlling it .
Sounds like you need to sit down with your husband and have a real heart to heart and likely more than just one or two .
Best of Luck .
Anyone who has worked for even a few years in family law, either from the legal side, or from the farm management/accounting side, finds it rather easy to see exactly who the culprit is in any given situation.
While there are, at least in theory, two sides to every story, when it comes to family law, and how people behave, and think, it's usually fairly one-sided. One party has had enough, and wants out, but the other party just wants to be nasty, and it's really-easy to identify who is playing which role.
Quite simply, the longer this young lady stays in this dysfunctional situation, the nastier she's going to be treated - if she hasn't yet started a family, she shouldn't, because that will only make the dynamics even worse.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
Walking away from the situation is not always the only resolve . If her marraige is over then yes but she has not said that she is done with her husband . It is her inlaws that are the problem to her and her marriage .
If her husband is not willing to back her up to his parents , support her and not willing to do what he has to to save his marraige then dump him and get out . But do give him that opportunity before you get blamed as being the problem and may even start to feel guilty .
Marraige is not easy . You have to work at it , give and take but most of all be true to yourself .
I've heard exactly the same story too many times, from one spouse, or another, and when things are at this stage, it never gets better, period.
More to the point, it's 30 years too late for two generations to try to co-exist on this farm, and trying to "work it out" is a waste of time. If it wasn't this son and his wife on the receiving end, it would be his brother and his spouse - the result would be exactly the same.
I hope both this lady and her husband have marketable job skills - they're going to need them, and the sooner they both get jobs far away from this dysfunctional farm, the better - if they don't, their marriage is as good as already over.
Sometimes in life, you have to cut your losses - and this is one of those times.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
Steve, you are so right...If I had the chance to live the last 30 years I would have firstly stood up for myself....I lost respect because my MIL would tell me not to make a mountain out of a mole hill. My husband would tell me I was imagining the bad treatment and so I never said anything. I allowed them to treat me badly and to spread rumours around our small town of 800 people...and I should have left within the first few years..i did love my husband and still do (im not sure why anymore) not sure if its because of habit or if i feel sorrh for him...At 57 he has had three severe back injuried. 3 operations on one ankle 2 knee surgeries one full replacement and both shoulders done..Hewalks like an old man and works 7 days a week 52 weeks of the year..
RUN RUN RUN life gets worse not better...i feel im too old to leave..so im going to recreate a new life here..in my old falling down house (I am the only one without a new house in the family and have always felt unworthy of any money being spent on anything that would make a difference to my kife) im going to spend some of the profits on holidays...my own mother is getting older and will need care so i will visit her more often..ive missed so much of my families life eg weddings, 50th birthdays and family reunions...they cant be gotten back once they are gone...I hope no one will relive my life...
if ther is a slight inkling your Inlaws dont like you...go and dont look back...life is for living and loving with joy and happiness...not pain and regrets
This new venture you speak of must have an awfully tight cashflow if your husband is being asked to take a 50% paycut. Interest rates are not going to go down and remember that a 1% increase in interest equates to an increase in payments of over 10% on a 25 year loan. There is a good chance that my wife would still be married to her ex husband if not for financial troubles. Most marriages end from money troubles. Don't be most marriages. I have been poor , and while I may never be rich, having money is better. keep your job, especially since you love it. If there is no pension plan associated with it I highly recommend you learn about investing through a TFSA or a RRSP, unless you are prepared to live on CPP and OAS-I'm not. A very good read is 'The Millionaire Teacher' by Andrew Hallam. Raube Beuerman
WOW so my husband and I are YOU in our late 40s with 5 children so that would be 25 years down the road. We left the farm 2 years ago and have spent 40,000 on legal fees and finally get to court soon over the farm as NARCIST DADDY calls all the shots and uses tantrums and put down to get his way.
FINALLY my husband realised that there was no handing over at retirement (ITs mine until I die although he used us up to be cheap labour always maintaining control). It happened when our son (the next generation) walked away saying I don't have to put up with Grandpa's abuse there's a better life out there! The penny dropped with my husband.
My advice get written contracts about the farm succession ( I mean solicitors )where you are going what you own but I suspect a big baby tantrum by the Narcissist will occur because they don't see you -you are just a tool.
Walk away WITH your husband look up narcissist websites show your husband realise its not you its your father-in -law.(don't leave your husband in their soul destroying grip) I sometime wonder how my husband and I kept it together but I guess its love. GOOD LUCK don't be us in 25 years!
It has been experienced more times than you can likely imagine .
The sad truth is even in many circumstances when the next generation finally does get to take over and buy the farm many controlling parents will still not let go of the reins of the farm until the are in their grave . Sad as it is it is the truth in some cases . Trust me I know this first hand from personal experience . Nothing is ever good enough , you will get told how much money you have , how much they gave you and so on . What ever any one does there is nothing worse than having family hold a mortgage . Their holding of the mortgage is like a license to have control and a say in every thing you do . Then the next thing that is a real killer is when siblings think you got every thing handed to you also . What ever any one does do not let family or parents hold a mortgage if you want to have any sanity left and keep your marriage .
Do what you like and take this for what you paid for it but it is a real world actual experience .
I am 42, and when I was in my twenties, I had the entitlement mentality that my parents should help me and leave me an inheritance. I was wrong. If they sold everything tomorrow and spent it all before they pass, I have no right to be upset.
Having said that, the only thing that makes me angry, and one of the reasons why I post here, is government policies that distort markets and artificially raise the price of real estate, and other assets.
I also very much dislike the government and central banks meddling in the bond market, buying their own debt,(prudential liquidity plan) keeping interest rates artificially low.
Raube Beuerman
I don't see any where in the posting of any thing to do with entitlement distorted markets or government . As per ususal the arm chair expert can't keep up with out changing it to a me and I thread . The only thing left out was the SM slam !
Thinking your entitlement mentality is right there waiting to bust out .
Judging by the use of upper case in that post, and what was stated, and since it was a reply to me, not you, I sense that person has a sense of entitlement. So I gave my thoughts on it.
And I did take a shot at SM, you just didn't pick up on it.
Raube Beuerman
Comprehension here is fine . It is the fact that you accept and cash gov checks that is a joke when you write these things . Double standard comes to mind .
Oopps did you get caught ?
Maybe if the farm family didn't jump to the conclusion that all outsiders marrying in are bad people all the fighting between families wouldn't start in the first place. "Innocent until proven guilty" works for the law, why not families? To accuse a person of a crime simply because others have done it isn't right. If all us ladies where gold diggers seeking a fortune we wouldn't marry farmers!
Touche'! Well said!
I have been married to dairy farmer for 3 years, have beautiful daughter and son on its way, I am madly in love with my husband but and there is a but, I feel so alone, frustrated, angry and betrayed that this life I now have was hidden away from me when I first started seeing my husband! I live over the wall from farm in a fish bowl where everyone can see if I'm home, what time I got up, when I'm sitting on sofa etc. the inlaws live in main farm house at the heart of the farm and my husband works such long hours that I just spend my days hoping for a quick visit over breakfast or lunch, if he stays longer he sleeps because he's so tired! I put every emotion I have aside and pretend to be happy and try my best to support but I'm finding that I am loosing myself, if I put up more of a barrier to emotions then really what is left, my little girl is everything to me, she's so bright and misses her daddy, I try my utmost to make their time special together but it breaks my heart that I am effectively a single parent! I married my husband because I love him, but I'm scared its not enough as I spend so little time with him, I'm constantly living in hope and hardening to being let down, this really isn't the life I thought it would be, I feel I would see him more if I walked away from it all, I would not want anything from walking away either because that has never been the reason I married my husband in first place! I feel so desperate but really don't know how to make any of this situation better, I believe marriage is for life but how am I going to keep strong to carry on, I cry when I'm alone as a way of release, I want the world for my children but how can I be happy with the life of being alone! Dairy farmer is a life commitment that I never appreciated until it is too late!
Equity rich-cash poor-debt is evil. If you are like most dairy farmers I know, (in hopes of taking over the farm) I am guessing that your husband is financially 'trapped', by your in laws, therefore you are financially trapped by them(or possibly him) also. Get a part time job, put the kid(s) in daycare a few days a week, seek help of a proffessional who has no bias (not the succession insurance agent), you need some time away from the house!! Raube Beuerman
You will eventually get out, and neither your husband, nor your in-laws, will ever understand why - the fact that they wouldn't ever understand anything, is more than enough reason for you to leave, and for the sake of your physical and emotional health, the sooner the better.
Over the past 40 years of professional life, I've dealt with, as clients and friends, at least a dozen women who have left identical situations, and who have never regretted it. The tough part is, as it is in Huron County, is if/when the former wife has marketable job skills which can be used only in larger cities a long way away from the farm.
In one ongoing farm client situation, the lady left for a city 60 miles away almost immediately after their second child was born, and has no regrets at all. She now has a quite-rewarding and interesting career, she now has a sense of self-worth, she has her emotions under control, she is a more-effective parent, and she is a lot-happier because she had the nerve to do something about a situation which would have never gotten better without drastic action. She and her children now see more of her estranged husband than they did before, and/or more than they ever would see of him if they still lived with him.
I do admit to having some bias, some considerable sympathy, and some considerable experience, in this matter because ten years ago I made the decision to end my marriage of some 17 years, and have never regretted that decision for even a moment. Don't get me wrong - making a decision to end a marriage is the toughest decision anyone ever makes, but often, for the sake of one's health, it is the only rational decision which can be, and/or should be, made.
Marriage is not for life when your health is at risk, and yours is.
All of this speaks volumes about the need for young ladies to obtain as much education as they can, so that when, not if, things implode in their marriage, they can survive quite-well on their own.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
Your story can be seen and told everywhere as all of us farmers put the Farm and Work ahead of all the important things in life which starts with your family. Bullies come in many different forms, can be a Father,In-laws ,Spouse,ect. Farmers have the misconception that life is about working harder than everyone around them,longer hours,make more money, and the promises that next year things will slow down. But it won't ,you need a new heifer barn or chopper. As a farm son your husband is torn between pleasing you and his children or his Dad. Then there are promises of some day this will all be yours and often son was bullied into farming by Dad with promises and never really wanted to milk cows or grow tomato's. If its a poisoned environment or you are unhappy all the time the right decision is for you,your husband and kids too give notice of leaving and go to a regular job . Have you ever heard anyone on there deathbed wishing they had not went on vacations , kids sport games, had more land,cows or money . The decisions you make now are the ones that will determine your happiness in the future . Sadly I have seen Father-in-laws choose the farm over family.Good luck
I've read your comments and thank you, I do work full time, have a really high paying job that I will be taking a career break from to spend the quality time needed to nurture our children, I am independant and have no fear of change. I am desperate because I am in love with my husband so so much, when we are together we are like best friends who can take on the world together, what I am struggling with is the lack of time we have, waking up alone, going to bed alone, watching our daughter do something new and not being able to share that! The only solutions you have provided is to walk away and I'm not that type of person, that shouldn't be the only solution.
I have opened my heart out to my husband as I want us to come together as a couple not deal with such emotions alone, will have to wait and see, if any of you have suggestions other than walking away then I would welcome those replies
If you go to bed alone, and wake up alone, he's not your best friend, and never will be - I suggest that if you talked to any of your friends, they'd tell you that you are in denial about the future the two of you have together - and my experience, both personally, and as an advisor, tells me you definitely are in denial.
And I'm sorry, but stop being so sanctimonious about yourself - nobody who makes the decision to end a marriage believes they are "that type of person" either, yet we all end up at the stage where we finally have to admit to ourselves, particularly when our doctors warn us that if we don't make significant changes in our lifestyle, our own health is at risk, that "we have done what we could for as long as we could".
The key factor for many of us who make the decision to end a marriage is something a child says, or does -if you're not going to listen to yourself, and if you're not going to listen to your friends, at least listen to your children because, sooner or later, and it's often when they are only about three or four, that one of them will ask you something, or say something, which will make it absolutely clear to you that your marriage needs to be over.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
First I want to tell you that you are a very smart woman for not thinking that leaving is the only answer. Don't listen to the sm bashers as they take any chance they get to bash sm even when someone pours out their heart.
I have no idea what your situation is other that what you have wrote. I am going to assume you were not raised on a farm? I have been in your husbands situation working so hard that there is no time for anything extra. Sometimes that is what it takes to keep a farm going as was our case but I have no idea what your situation is. Reality is you will probably be waking up alone as long as there are cows on your farm due to chores having to be done. If your husband was a truck driver there would be a whole different set of challenges, and life is about figuring out how to get through them challenges.
What really hit me hard was when my boys were young my wife told me they were asking why daddy never eats supper with them. I was not able to make changes to our life instantly but I did make a point to be home for meals whenever I could and spend more quality time with them. That actually meant getting up earlier but my reasoning was I could work while they were asleep. Eventually we were able to make changes to our schedule.
All I can suggest is that the only answer is going to be you and your husband talking this through, listening to each other and understanding where the other is coming from without attacking each other. Ultimatums will do nothing other than create hard feelings, they do not come from a position of love. Recently my son and his wife have been going through some hard times and I told them to make every decision out of love, because you can never go wrong doing that.
I truly wish you and your husband the best in working this out. Never loose sight of your morals that marriage is for life. Commitment is a decision not a feeling. Your husband is truly a blessed man to have you as his wife.
I've known girls in the same situation and it's very hard however they staid the course and are retiring well off and all children university paid and just 50 if you think its right then stick with it if not piss on it
No one should ever stay in an unhappy,unfulling marriage because of a payday down the road or inheritance. Maybe a solution is too buy time,hire milkers or students,successful people manage there business,they don't let the business manage there lives
We were told 40 years ago in graduate business school, that if you were self-employed, and neither you nor your spouse came from a family enviroment that included self employment, the combined chances of either your business failing or your marriage failing, were over 90%.
Nothing I have seen since would lead me to doubt the wisdom of that adage - if anything I think the odds are even higher now than the 90% figure used back then.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
Im a wife of a farmer, Im also a mother of three little ones and I understand that feeling of being watched, it was one of the reasons I resisted living on the farm...in a heated discussion with my father inlaw I told him it was a good thing we hadnt moved out yet so we could see how things would transpire let me tell you he did not like that snide remark! I definetly had many doubts about the farm, my privacy, my level of control over my own life, Our future on the farm as a family. The long hours..but I knew it was best thing for everyone in the long run... Things are still rocky at times and between all the shit and annoyances we are still family, having children with your husband solidifies that and weather your there or somewhere else it wont change. I have put distance between some of the family members and myself to avoid arguing but when it comes to family stuff Im all in. Your kids are little so its tough to incorporate them into the daily farm activities but often Ill make sure one of the kids head out with daddy or grandpa for a crop tour or tractor ride, get them helping a bit and they love it. As the kids get older it gets easier to send them out with chores and before you know it they will be in school and youll have time to be a help mate to your husband or have a part-time gig of your own. The farm becomes the way you spend time together, dont worry so much about the dynamics, you have little ones focus on the good. In my experience Ego gets in the way of getting along and everyones ego sneaks out at some point! Be the change you want to see...if you want compassion or understanding even respect. Give it whole heartedly and as long as you try things will get better peoples perspectives do change and you can build a solid foundation for the future of your family.
Your comments seem to turn on the premise that someday you will be a "help mate to your husband" or have "a part-time gig of your own" - and that seems to be somewhat of a subservient, and, in many cases, unrealistic, attitude.
Many ladies married to farmers have demanding and yet tremendously rewarding careers in their own right, and there's just no way they're ever going to be driving any tractor or cleaning anything, even their own house, nor should they.
Stephen Thompson, Clinton ON
If both spouses are going to have a career then the "family" and children part should be discussed well before marriage.
Sounds like this lady was putting her family ahead of any off-farm career. That certainly has been the traditional way of doing it but nowdays it can differ.Its a little harder in the Country without day-care facilaties,that's were understanding Grandparents come in.
I understand what you are saying, and I have seen examples of Dr. Married to Farmer and it works. I think regardless of your occupation when you decide to get married and have children there is a shift that happens you are now responsible for these little gifts. The decisions that used to only affect you now affect not only them but everyone in your newly created family. I think its important to approach the situation with love despite what the current emotional climate may be. I have to be honest in the example of the Dr. She too keeps part-time office hours, her children are young she has a Nanny to supplement when shes not home but during harvest she to plays a supporting role delivering casseroles like the rest of us. Our CAO books holidays off during calving so she can be home to help her husband...her children are now grown. I own a small business that I work on 2+ days a week the rest of my time is devoted to my family,I love what I do. Some of the ladies work at the seed plant others drive school bus,In one scenario close to my heart she runs the daily operations of the cattle business...I think we are strong women that love our families, who arn't afraid to dig in and help. We have all had our struggles but what life or relationship doesnt, if things were perfect life would get pretty dull. Another point Im sure Im repeating for the billionth time of is despite the simplicity on the surface family farms are much more then that. Every year huge financial risks are taken Generations of hard labour has enabled many farms to operate successfully today these are no mickey mouse operations. More and more skills are needed to keep them operational. No one wants to mess it up be it parents or kids you have to stick together, one day it could very well be you sitting on the otherside of that coin. How would you like to be treated? What qualities would you like to see in a mate for your son or daughter?, many farms are now ran by women wouldnt it be nice if she had a husband who supported her helped out whenever he could and was kind to her family? (despite their blatantly obviouse flaws) I would rather be a servant with the ones I love then be the king all alone.I hope anyone who is searching for help can find the answers or solution that they need. What works for me might not work for you and at times I still struggle but I think its great we are able to share. God Bless
This is my second reply to your comment re-read my comment and can see how my remark about your own gig may sound a bit to casual. I wouldnt ussually respond in the first place but I felt so much empathy for that women. I remembered being like her a young mother with my first born and crying doubting things would ever get better not knowing what was going on feeling like I wasnt good enough and all I needed to hear was someone say that it was okay we would be okay and we would figure it out. My hurt at one point turned into bitterness and if I would have stayed there things would have fallen apart, but I changed my perspective and my attitude and thing began to change for the better.
This is my second reply to your comment re-read my comment and can see how my remark about your own gig may sound a bit to casual. I wouldnt ussually respond in the first place but I felt so much empathy for that women. I remembered being like her a young mother with my first born and crying doubting things would ever get better not knowing what was going on feeling like I wasnt good enough and all I needed to hear was someone say that it was okay we would be okay and we would figure it out. My hurt at one point turned into bitterness and if I would have stayed there things would have fallen apart, but I changed my perspective and my attitude and thing began to change for the better.
Wow your life is a replica of my life....get out while you can...i am a dairyfarmer and my husband still works 7 days a week and while hismparents are old and retired we are srill apying daily...
im twisted,,,angry,,have no sense of worth and am as bitter as all hell...leave while you can and find a beautiful life of joy...it is out there yoj just have to find it...with or without your husband..my bet is he is more committed to his family and farm than you..atleast mine is and was and always will be..
Your life sounds exactly like mine did 30 years ago, it hasnt got any better infact its got worse. I had to nutse my MIL until she died and now the FIL that called me a parasite expects me to do the same for him. I hate him with all my might.
my suggestion to you is to leave. If your husband loves you enough he will go with you, but i suspect his parents have a holdmover him just like my inlaws. My husband has finally had the farm signed over but we financially haveto support him as he gave all his money to his lying thieving daughter.
The rest of the family think we got everything but his other son got 2 farms and left the nest 30 years ago. The daighter got a house and a wad of money...they are free....we are stuck and now old ourselves and havent been able to update and keep up with the times...we work to live not live to work. I hope non of my children take over the farm and that they sell it so they dont go through what i have been through..
i am married to a dairy farmer also...so i know the long hours, no holidays and having to beg over and over again for family time...its not worth it..it makes you bitter just like me...
I am married to a man that considers his mother the one who is the man on the ranch. It's NOT a ranch its a prison for me. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. Most of it in seperate. I was part of the group at first but slowly pushed out. My husband said nothing. Now it's going to be a mother trip to the attorney. Divorce is the only thing that's left. I love him. But I am here' and matter too.
Good luck
I have been married to a dairy farmer for 18 years 3 children and now live in the farmhouse I still feel the same isolated and lonely I was wondering how you are now 2 years on raising your children? Your post was put so clearly and I could relate to it all best wishes X
If you marry a farmer you are going to be competition with the farm. If you want a life marry a plant worker or teacher. Life is hard on a farm if you run a farm that involves 24/7 365, if you have 2 or 3 families you can usually get time off for a trip and if you farm by yourself it is a lot harder. We would say to the Kids that you work hard when you are young so you down have too when you are older unless you are Greedy . There are lots of greedy people out there that would be no good to be with does not matter if they are a Farmer or in another occupation . Love is Blind and People never look at what they are up against until its to late and there are Kids that are going to be Hurt , if you can tell the future you likely would not marry anyone and stay locked in the room.
Well, I have been married 35 yrs, not from a farming family. It has had its hard times. But I married into thei family and took my responsibilities seriously. I never really worked out he farm, but helped out at busy times and alswAys provided food etc for workers at hay time et.
30 yrs later, our eldest son of three, married a girl ( from a farming family). BUT her family is completely broken, full of hatred, anger, dysfunction. if I am honest, we were wary. She refuses to even speak to any of her family. My attitude was make her welcome, show her love, support etc. she hates our other son, to the point where she won't even acknowledge him. He is successful in his job and has done well for himself. We gave him a cottage on the farm a good few yrs again and he renovated it ( mostly at his own cost) and he lives there. There is also a barn ( derelict) that we have given him. And he is aware that that is his inheritance. Our view was that having three sons but only one farming, we didn't want him to have to buy out his brothers and incur massive debt later down the line.
Our son and his wife rented a house just next to the farm and we pay the rent on that and pay him a wage. We hae net made him a partner because we were concerned that his wife would one day turn on him like she has her family ( and our son, for no reason) . We wanted him to get a pre nip but he refused.
Anyways, all of this blew up in our faces this week. She has given him an ultimatum........ He has to get out of the house unless
1) we make him a partner
2) we pay him £400 a week
3) he gets a job somewhere else and earns a decent wags.
She doesn't accept that the rent is part of his wage because she says they never see it. I did ask her if she would prefer us to add it to his wage so he could pay tax on it.
I rang her this week to try and tell her that we had their best interests at heart and that we needed to find a way forward.
I got a barrage of her abuse.
I need to take a long hard look at my parenting ability to find out how I ended up with a tosser ( middle son) and an idiot ( her husband)
When I tried to say that the plan was that our son would inherit the farm in total and the reasons why, she said she wouldn't want anything to do with a farm that had debt on it because it was clearly being run by someone who was clueless ( my husband)
We are absolutely devastated and don't really know what to do.
At the moment we are thinking the best option is to sell half of our stock, give them the money and tell them to go get a house of their own and our son to get a job and make their own way.
Horrid!!!
Our son asked her to come over and talk to us and she refuses to.
My attitude right now is that she has sailed any idea of partnership down the river!!
She told me that the principles of forgiveness and love that I have brought our children up with is a load of rubbish!!!
Anyone got any advice?
I can't bear to see my husbands life work go to ruin, and his dad before him.
He is 60, I am 50
We need some peace!!!
Watch the outside help ladies if you bring in someone to act as a third party to negotiate between the older generation and younger generation. Many advisors blame the daughter in-law. After all the farm was perfperfect until we came along, and the son just did what daddy and mommy wanted. The older generation on the farm cannot handle it when the son gets support from his wife to stand up for himself and look out for his own children and wife. There is one particular farm advisor out there that has a method of suggesting the removal of the "problem person" from the farm - and it's always the young in-law.